I have kind of been a mess lately.
Maybe it's because I'm going to school full-time.... and interning 16+ hours a week... and working 20 hours a week.... and going back and forth to Salt Lake sometimes 3 times a week... and that I never get to see Jordan.... and that I'm living in an apartment that looks like the aftermath of Katrina.
It's probably all of these things.
Or maybe it's because I feel lonely.
With graduation around the corner, I feel like so is the end of my youth. Because I got married so young, and we still act like teenagers who are dating-- in love and spontaneous and goofy, I didn't necessarily feel that life change made me officially adult. Nothing changed about my life except that I got to live with a boy and I didn't have to deal with terrible roommates anymore. I was as independent as I always was, I just added the very mature sounding title of "wife."
Now though, with no more years to be planned out based on school schedules, summer breaks, tests, and late-night hang-outs, I feel a little.... lost.
This semester has been a beast, and I definitely struggle with "senioritis" on a daily basis. I know I'll miss this part of my life though-- the last smidgen of childhood I have left.
Jordan and I will be moving out of Logan on April 28. It's likely we'll end up in his parent's basement until I find a job. While we've dreamed of exploring the world and starting a life in another state, if only to see what it's like, I don't see that dream coming true for awhile.
My sister has lived in Arizona for years. My older brother is moving to Denver in 2 weeks. My little brother will be leaving at the end of summer to go to college in California, Michigan, or Massachusetts. My parent's will have no family left (within the state) except for us.
I know I'm not emotionally ready to leave my parent's all alone. My guilt complex is too strong. But more than that, I know how devastated I'll be when they're not around anymore.
As with my brothers, so many people have been moving on and moving away. Sometimes I feel stuck between the excitement and happiness I feel for them, and the longing for the way things were.
Growing up is hard. And that's just how it is.