my brain is like a rubber-band ball

You know, the one stuck in the junk drawer that year after year gets bigger and bigger, eventually becoming so hectic and entwined together that it no longer has a purpose, and you have no intentions for it-- but there it is. Even when you finally get around to cleaning out the junk drawer and you come across the ball, you just leave it there, committing to find some use for all those elastic pieces one day. In all reality, you know you won't find the time or energy to detangle all of the bands, and the ball will just continue to grow to a more complicated and confusing mess . . .

I rarely feel like there are actual words for the brilliant and complex thoughts I have; I usually have a hard enough time articulating the simple ones, for that matter. Everything makes sense in my mind, but it is all a little too abstract for me to verbalize. It is a struggle I am burdened with daily, in every relationship.

How do I describe the way I feel about Jordan? It's not love. Love is used way too often and too loosely. I more than love him. I _________ him. How do I express my views on God, religion, divine purpose, morality, the after life? The task seems impossible when it is so deep and confusing and based on the searching of my soul, rather than scripture and doctrine. Not only that, but it is ever evolving; changing as I grow, learn, see, and experience.

My inability to get my point across in a way that does it justice is so stressful. I lose sleep over the things I should have said, the things I did say that somehow came out differently than I meant them to.

This post has only added to the anxiety I feel as I try to tell, and therefore live my truth. I still do not know how to say what I mean. Not only can I not find the words, I often can not find the strength to say what is on my mind without fearing rejection, judgment, shame, vulnerability.

I want to use my little part in this cyber-world to say what I believe, so that living those beliefs can be seen in the real world. 

I want to be true to me.

I have gotta start talking about the things that move me. No more disclaimers on my thoughts, my beliefs, my truth. Because just as I know to love and respect others and their opinions, I need to learn to give that to myself.

I have lots of things I've wanted to write about, simply because I want to try unteasing that tangled mess of brain where thoughts are racing and competing and dying for recognition. I think it is finally time to speak out. I realize now that recognition is different than validation. I do not need people to agree with me, or even to see where I am coming from. I just need to acknowledge, for myself, that those thoughts are acceptable and important.


Cheers to honesty and inner-peace.