my brain is like a rubber-band ball

You know, the one stuck in the junk drawer that year after year gets bigger and bigger, eventually becoming so hectic and entwined together that it no longer has a purpose, and you have no intentions for it-- but there it is. Even when you finally get around to cleaning out the junk drawer and you come across the ball, you just leave it there, committing to find some use for all those elastic pieces one day. In all reality, you know you won't find the time or energy to detangle all of the bands, and the ball will just continue to grow to a more complicated and confusing mess . . .

I rarely feel like there are actual words for the brilliant and complex thoughts I have; I usually have a hard enough time articulating the simple ones, for that matter. Everything makes sense in my mind, but it is all a little too abstract for me to verbalize. It is a struggle I am burdened with daily, in every relationship.

How do I describe the way I feel about Jordan? It's not love. Love is used way too often and too loosely. I more than love him. I _________ him. How do I express my views on God, religion, divine purpose, morality, the after life? The task seems impossible when it is so deep and confusing and based on the searching of my soul, rather than scripture and doctrine. Not only that, but it is ever evolving; changing as I grow, learn, see, and experience.

My inability to get my point across in a way that does it justice is so stressful. I lose sleep over the things I should have said, the things I did say that somehow came out differently than I meant them to.

This post has only added to the anxiety I feel as I try to tell, and therefore live my truth. I still do not know how to say what I mean. Not only can I not find the words, I often can not find the strength to say what is on my mind without fearing rejection, judgment, shame, vulnerability.

I want to use my little part in this cyber-world to say what I believe, so that living those beliefs can be seen in the real world. 

I want to be true to me.

I have gotta start talking about the things that move me. No more disclaimers on my thoughts, my beliefs, my truth. Because just as I know to love and respect others and their opinions, I need to learn to give that to myself.

I have lots of things I've wanted to write about, simply because I want to try unteasing that tangled mess of brain where thoughts are racing and competing and dying for recognition. I think it is finally time to speak out. I realize now that recognition is different than validation. I do not need people to agree with me, or even to see where I am coming from. I just need to acknowledge, for myself, that those thoughts are acceptable and important.


Cheers to honesty and inner-peace.

Dear Me

Guys. Remember this post? And then remember how awesome this advice is? (P.S. She has a book with the same title . . . go get it!) Well, turns out I was a bit ahead of the game with all the nostalgic advice to your younger self stuff. Emily at Chatting at the Sky has started a synchroblog project with the recent release of her book Graceful. I couldn’t resist joining the fun . . . 

Dear Me,

I know you’re starving for some wise insight about the world and the meaning of all the wonder and pain and beauty and mysteries and what your role in all of it is. If there ever was an opportunity to tell you, this would be it.

But, I still can’t tell you.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to tell you.

What I can assure you of is this: it is all worth it.


At some point, probably in coordination with several events both life-changing and seemingly meaningless, you will learn to love the gift of life. You will forget the darkness that has covered much of your short life.
Your brain works too hard and too fast and no one out there can make sense of it all, not even you. You will still swim too far into the depths of your soul and mind—the part that never turns off and never accepts the easy answer; the part that is deepest, and therefore furthest from the light. You will also learn how to swim towards the surface where light permeates through, and you will learn how to do it on your own. You won’t look to other people or medication to give you the strength. You are so strong, girl. Remember this for your future self too . . . sometimes she forgets.
If I know you, and I do because well, I am you, you don’t really want to know the details and upcoming events of your life. You don’t need to know either. All I will tell you, the only thing that really matters to know is that you are blessed. You are happy.

Long-gone will be the fits of take your breath away agony. After your freshman year of college and the summer that follows, you will be free of your paralyzing emotional breakdowns. You’ll learn to stretch your legs out of fetal position and pick yourself up off the floor. You will stand tall with the knowledge and faith that once the storm rolls through, the air is clean and the soil is filled with nourishment for beautiful, healthy crops.

You have endured many storms, you will reap many crops.

I so know how hard it is to believe me right now. I know how impossible happiness seems. I know you think no one could possibly understand the foreverness of your sorrow. But I do, friend. I was there.

Soon, the clouds will part and the light will shine so bright and so warm and it will shoot through every part of you, down to your bones.

Just because you can look forward to the light, does not mean the struggles will all disappear. You will still question the complexities of life, and these endless questions will continue to bring heart-ache and frustration. I hope this never ends for you. I hope you always see the world with innocence and awe as you try to figure out what it all means. Anyone who says they've got it all figured out is either lying, or too lazy to keep exploring all the options. Don't stop exploring. Don't accept answers that do not make sense. Don't be afraid of what you do not understand.

Continue to advocate for the weak, the vulnerable, the lonely, the shy. Those are the people that will ultimately bring you the most joy. Their presence in your life will give you purpose. Don't be ashamed of your heart that just seems to "care too much." People tell you that because life has calloused them. You cannot care too much about anyone. Ever. Every time you feel the urge to say or do something kind for someone, do it. That is God talking right to you, in that very moment.

I won’t tell you to avoid any of the mistakes you are about to fall onto, and I won’t warn you of the obstacles you will have to overcome. Just endure. Where it leads you is exactly where you’ve always wanted to be . . . 


In the mean time, take more pictures.Start learning how to break the cycle of self-ridiculing and doubt. You are more beautiful than you give yourself credit for.

Continue to nurture your friendships. Sharing laughter and tears with those who are family- not by blood but by choice-- is one of life's greatest gifts.

When life starts to pull you all in so many different directions and you begin to feel lost and alone, reach out to them.. Be vulnerable with them. Make sure they know how grateful you are for their presence in your life.

Stay close to Connor. Friendships may come and go, but your family will always be there for you. Be there for them, too. 

Give your parents more credit; they may be a bit on the wild side, but they're the reason you turned out fun, smart, driven, witty, kind, funny, responsible, successful. Again, they've always been there for you. They'll always be there for you.

. . . Pay attention to the details and enjoy the journey, Morgan. It is so good.

Love,

Me

ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-mad-madness

If I could go to any concert in the world, I would choose Queen. Muse may now be my second choice, with their rockin 2012 Freddie Mercury vibe (be still my heart!).

I've officially gone MAD.

If you're weirded out or confused by the video, don't let your eyes deceive you . . . just close them and listen to the eargasm.

a brief overview of the 5 things we did this summer

Starting a new job always makes me nervous to ask for any time off. Therefore, the extravagance of our summer fun was inhibited-- but only a smidgen! So we didn't make it halfway around the world . . . that just means we've become pretty savvy at finding the adventures right in our own back yard.

from top left:

1. Snowbird Resort / / 2. Lagoon / /

3. Utah Lake / / 4. Oakley Rodeo / /

5. Utah Bees Baseball



We also made it back to Park City for our anniversary in June . . . but those pictures are too sexy to post ;)

I would argue that we live in one of the most beautiful places on earth. We are lucky to have such easy access to an array of activities-- it makes staying close to home all summer long pretty easy to do.