I have kind of been a mess lately.
Maybe it's because I'm going to school full-time.... and interning 16+ hours a week... and working 20 hours a week.... and going back and forth to Salt Lake sometimes 3 times a week... and that I never get to see Jordan.... and that I'm living in an apartment that looks like the aftermath of Katrina.
It's probably all of these things.
Or maybe it's because I feel lonely.
With graduation around the corner, I feel like so is the end of my youth. Because I got married so young, and we still act like teenagers who are dating-- in love and spontaneous and goofy, I didn't necessarily feel that life change made me officially adult. Nothing changed about my life except that I got to live with a boy and I didn't have to deal with terrible roommates anymore. I was as independent as I always was, I just added the very mature sounding title of "wife."
Now though, with no more years to be planned out based on school schedules, summer breaks, tests, and late-night hang-outs, I feel a little.... lost.
This semester has been a beast, and I definitely struggle with "senioritis" on a daily basis. I know I'll miss this part of my life though-- the last smidgen of childhood I have left.
Jordan and I will be moving out of Logan on April 28. It's likely we'll end up in his parent's basement until I find a job. While we've dreamed of exploring the world and starting a life in another state, if only to see what it's like, I don't see that dream coming true for awhile.
My sister has lived in Arizona for years. My older brother is moving to Denver in 2 weeks. My little brother will be leaving at the end of summer to go to college in California, Michigan, or Massachusetts. My parent's will have no family left (within the state) except for us.
I know I'm not emotionally ready to leave my parent's all alone. My guilt complex is too strong. But more than that, I know how devastated I'll be when they're not around anymore.
As with my brothers, so many people have been moving on and moving away. Sometimes I feel stuck between the excitement and happiness I feel for them, and the longing for the way things were.
Growing up is hard. And that's just how it is.
2.23.2012
2.14.2012
1.30.2012
And I know, that I am The Luckiest
title from this song
Sometimes I feel like my "private" personality has been a disservice to Jordan. We aren't very affectionate publicly, we often are mistaken for just friends, and sometimes, often times, I let an opportunity pass that I should have screamed from the rooftops how lucky and honored I am that Jordan chose me to be his wife.
 |
| seriously, how sweet can he be? |
He is dreamy, and he is mine.
1.29.2012
ready, setsy, visit my etsy
It's taken me way too long to finally get it going, but the always aplomb Etsy shop is up and running. It's still a work in progress, but items are up and ready to sell! Right now, I'm selling vintage ties. So, come one, come all-- Valentines day is rapidly approaching! ;)
Get your shop on at: http://www.etsy.com/shop/alwaysaplomb
Get your shop on at: http://www.etsy.com/shop/alwaysaplomb
1.19.2012
Tiny Beautiful Things
I stumbled upon some advice today. It's magic, people.
{here are the highlights, as I see them. . .}
Dear Sugar,
I read your column religiously. I'm 22. From what I can tell by your writing, you're in your early 40s. My questions is short and sweet: what would you tell your 20-something self if you could talk to her now?
Love,
Seeking Wisdom
Dear Seeking Wisdom,
Stop worrying about whether you’re fat. You’re not fat. Or rather, you’re sometimes a little bit fat, but who gives a shit? There is nothing more boring and fruitless than a woman lamenting the fact that her stomach is round. Feed yourself. Literally. The sort of people worthy of your love will love you more for this, sweet pea.
Be brave enough to break your own heart.
There are some things you can’t understand yet. Your life will be a great and continuous unfolding. It’s good you’ve worked hard to resolve childhood issues while in your twenties, but understand that what you resolve will need to be resolved again. And again. You will come to know things that can only be known with the wisdom of age and the grace of years. Most of those things will have to do with forgiveness.
Don’t lament so much about how your career is going to turn out. You don’t have a career. You have a life. Do the work. Keep the faith.
You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love because you want him or her to give it. Real love moves freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else.
Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.
One hot afternoon during the era in which you’ve gotten yourself ridiculously tangled up with heroin you will be riding the bus and thinking what a worthless piece of crap you are when a little girl will get on the bus holding the strings of two purple balloons. She’ll offer you one of the balloons, but you won’t take it because you believe you no longer have a right to such tiny beautiful things. You’re wrong. You do.
Your assumptions about the lives of others are in direct relation to your naïve pomposity. Many people you believe to be rich are not rich. Many people you think have it easy worked hard for what they got. Many people who seem to be gliding right along have suffered and are suffering. Many people who appear to you to be old and stupidly saddled down with kids and cars and houses were once every bit as hip and pompous as you.
When you meet a man in the doorway of a Mexican restaurant who later kisses you while explaining that this kiss doesn’t “mean anything” because, much as he likes you, he is not interested in having a relationship with you or anyone right now, just laugh and kiss him back. Your daughter will have his sense of humor. Your son will have his eyes.
One Christmas at the very beginning of your twenties when your mother gives you a warm coat that she saved for months to buy, don’t look at her skeptically after she tells you she thought the coat was perfect for you. Don’t hold it up and say it’s longer than you like your coats to be and too puffy and possibly even too warm. Your mother will be dead by spring. That coat will be the last gift she gave you. You will regret the small thing you didn’t say for the rest of your life.
Say thank you.
Yours,
Sugar
***Full article here
{here are the highlights, as I see them. . .}
Dear Sugar,
I read your column religiously. I'm 22. From what I can tell by your writing, you're in your early 40s. My questions is short and sweet: what would you tell your 20-something self if you could talk to her now?
Love,
Seeking Wisdom
Dear Seeking Wisdom,
Stop worrying about whether you’re fat. You’re not fat. Or rather, you’re sometimes a little bit fat, but who gives a shit? There is nothing more boring and fruitless than a woman lamenting the fact that her stomach is round. Feed yourself. Literally. The sort of people worthy of your love will love you more for this, sweet pea.
Be brave enough to break your own heart.
There are some things you can’t understand yet. Your life will be a great and continuous unfolding. It’s good you’ve worked hard to resolve childhood issues while in your twenties, but understand that what you resolve will need to be resolved again. And again. You will come to know things that can only be known with the wisdom of age and the grace of years. Most of those things will have to do with forgiveness.
Don’t lament so much about how your career is going to turn out. You don’t have a career. You have a life. Do the work. Keep the faith.
You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love because you want him or her to give it. Real love moves freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else.
Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.
One hot afternoon during the era in which you’ve gotten yourself ridiculously tangled up with heroin you will be riding the bus and thinking what a worthless piece of crap you are when a little girl will get on the bus holding the strings of two purple balloons. She’ll offer you one of the balloons, but you won’t take it because you believe you no longer have a right to such tiny beautiful things. You’re wrong. You do.
Your assumptions about the lives of others are in direct relation to your naïve pomposity. Many people you believe to be rich are not rich. Many people you think have it easy worked hard for what they got. Many people who seem to be gliding right along have suffered and are suffering. Many people who appear to you to be old and stupidly saddled down with kids and cars and houses were once every bit as hip and pompous as you.
When you meet a man in the doorway of a Mexican restaurant who later kisses you while explaining that this kiss doesn’t “mean anything” because, much as he likes you, he is not interested in having a relationship with you or anyone right now, just laugh and kiss him back. Your daughter will have his sense of humor. Your son will have his eyes.
The useless days will add up to something. The shitty waitressing jobs. The hours writing in your journal. The long meandering walks. The hours reading poetry and story collections and novels and dead people’s diaries and wondering about sex and God and whether you should shave under your arms or not. These things are your becoming.
One Christmas at the very beginning of your twenties when your mother gives you a warm coat that she saved for months to buy, don’t look at her skeptically after she tells you she thought the coat was perfect for you. Don’t hold it up and say it’s longer than you like your coats to be and too puffy and possibly even too warm. Your mother will be dead by spring. That coat will be the last gift she gave you. You will regret the small thing you didn’t say for the rest of your life.
Say thank you.
Yours,
Sugar
***Full article here
1.02.2012
I resolve . . .
. . . to be a better blogger this year. Seriously. I do. That's why I'll be changing things up a bit around here.
In other news, what's the fun in ringing in the new year without a few resolutions? Here's what I'm hoping to accomplish in 2012:
- graduate with my BS in social work-- 4 1/2 more months, baby!
- get a "big girl" job
- move out of Logan-- this place has been mighty good to us, but it's time for a change.
- save money-- I don't expect to have enough money to do or buy anything of worth, but I am excited to not put every penny earned towards a degree.
- travel-- I don't discriminate as to where that is. I have VERY low expectations. I will even accept Idaho.
- read-- textbooks do not count.
- get to know family members better (on both sides)-- the older I get, the more I realize just how precious family is.
- be a better friend-- I must say, I have always taken my role of "friend" very seriously, but who couldn't use an even awesome-r friend?
-find more inner-peace-- sounds all new-age and weird, I know. But while this blog may need a new direction, I never want to stop working on discovering what makes me fab-u-lous.
- say "I Love You" more
There are plenty more goals I have resolved to tackle, but they shall not be named on the internet at this time.
2012, I am SO looking forward to you; I have a feeling you will bring many surprises, lots of learning, and tons of fun. Eeeek! I'm so excited!
In other news, what's the fun in ringing in the new year without a few resolutions? Here's what I'm hoping to accomplish in 2012:
- graduate with my BS in social work-- 4 1/2 more months, baby!
- get a "big girl" job
- move out of Logan-- this place has been mighty good to us, but it's time for a change.
- save money-- I don't expect to have enough money to do or buy anything of worth, but I am excited to not put every penny earned towards a degree.
- travel-- I don't discriminate as to where that is. I have VERY low expectations. I will even accept Idaho.
- read-- textbooks do not count.
- get to know family members better (on both sides)-- the older I get, the more I realize just how precious family is.
- be a better friend-- I must say, I have always taken my role of "friend" very seriously, but who couldn't use an even awesome-r friend?
-find more inner-peace-- sounds all new-age and weird, I know. But while this blog may need a new direction, I never want to stop working on discovering what makes me fab-u-lous.
- say "I Love You" more
There are plenty more goals I have resolved to tackle, but they shall not be named on the internet at this time.
2012, I am SO looking forward to you; I have a feeling you will bring many surprises, lots of learning, and tons of fun. Eeeek! I'm so excited!
10.22.2011
blogging sucks
Ugh. Who has time for this blogging stuff? Certainly not me. And certainly not for anything of worth. So..... here's one way I procrastinate doing all that important stuff................................
9.07.2011
Try a Little Tenderness
I read a certain popular blog today, and I am irritated . . . One of those reasons being the way the author put some stranger on blast. Yuck. Therefore, I shant be guilty of doing the same, even though I want to scream at all of this person's followers and tell them to STOP READING THIS STUPID BLOG. (Chances are, most of you are indeed followers. Ugh.)
Anyhoozers. There were good things that transpired from reading that post:
Anyhoozers. There were good things that transpired from reading that post:
- I saw a person from my past that gives me severe anxiety today, and memories of all the painful things I went through as a result of their actions and words came flooding back to me. I am often tempted to vent and tell the world how bad I was hurt by this person, but not anymore. All that will happen is that I'll be the one who ends up looking rude . . . and whiney.
- I read that post, and write this one from work-- a place where I deal with mean, crotchety, self-serving, entitled people for 8 hours a day, (jealous?) and right after I read the post, a very unsavory woman was here, taking her aggression and sleep-deprivation out on me. I was surprisingly motivated to take her crap, make her as happy as possible, and refrain from drowning in self-doubt. (I tend to let mean people make ME feel bad for who I am, when really . . . blah. Who are they?!)
8.28.2011
I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready*
*I have no idea why this came to my head when I was thinking of a title. Somewhere in my subconsious, I'm ready for the school year, I suppose . . . That, and I also like to repeat irritating sayings to Jordan. Thanks to his least favorite cartoon for this one.
It wasn't until I decided that I would write and "end of summer wrap-up" that I realized this is my last true summer e.v.e.r.
What a depressing note to end on, eh?
This made me think: if I would've been more limin, would I have done things differently this summer?
Answer is (luckily) no.
Jordan and I packed in as much fun and travel and lallygagging as anyone young/cool/envy-worthy could.
Highlights from this summer include:
Things we'll be forgetting about our summer:
It wasn't until I decided that I would write and "end of summer wrap-up" that I realized this is my last true summer e.v.e.r.
What a depressing note to end on, eh?
This made me think: if I would've been more limin, would I have done things differently this summer?
Answer is (luckily) no.
Jordan and I packed in as much fun and travel and lallygagging as anyone young/cool/envy-worthy could.
Highlights from this summer include:
- celebrating our one year anniversary in Park City
- camping
- playing with little brothers (on both sides)
- Bear Lake
- game nights
- buying Jordan's man-truck
- motorcycle/man-truck/late night drives
- too many frozen yogurts
- countless trips to SLC
- play dates with my mom
- finding treasures at my grandpa's house
- baseball games
- gardening (our vegetable planting endeavors were much more successful this year than last-- I guess we're just so much more domestic with a year of marriage behind us)
Things we'll be forgetting about our summer:
- getting hit (both of our cars)
- nasty neighbors
- sleepless nights (our apartment cools down to a chilly 82 degrees at night)
- working different schedules
- family drama
- 2 James' admitted to the ER
8.09.2011
Are You Smarter than a College Senior?
In thirty years I imagine I'll look back on my twenty-year-old self and have insights on life that I would wish I would've known back then. Sometimes, when I'm in the middle of wasting my thoughts and time with insignificant worries, I think about the life lessons I will learn and the wisdom I'll have acquired.
I'm sure as I continue to mature, and strap life lessons under my belt, my list will grow. I'll continue to document them, if only to remind myself how to live my best life. For now, these things give me plenty to work on.
What are your life lessons? What is my list missing?
- While standing on the outside looking in, the life of those around may look perfectly in sync with that of a dreamy fairytale; this will very rarely be true. We all want to display only the best parts of ourselves, our loved ones and the relationship we have with them, the adventures we encounter, and the life we lead. Few people's life is more glamorous, fulfilling, or happy than the one you live. Quit comparing yourself to others-- often, from their perspective, the grass is greener in your neck of the woods anyway.
- When you are loved, love back. If you're not loved, love anyway.
- There will always be work, cleaning, and sleep to be caught up on. Take the fun when it comes.
- Tomorrow is never a guarantee. Suck the marrow out of each day. And while we're on the subject . . . sometimes your practicality needs to lay low. Stop getting caught up in thinking, "what does this really matter?" Instead, do and be and see and get what you love simply because in that moment, it makes you happy. Sure, you could die tomorrow, but do you really want to spend your last day living in logic, rather than love and life and fun?
- Don't be driven by guilt, and don't use guilt to get what you want from others.
- Nothing is more attractive than confidence. Hold your head high, believe in yourself.
I'm sure as I continue to mature, and strap life lessons under my belt, my list will grow. I'll continue to document them, if only to remind myself how to live my best life. For now, these things give me plenty to work on.
What are your life lessons? What is my list missing?
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